Real Life

Guys vs. Gals … Help!

October 13, 2010

I’ve come to the conclusion in my life that there is nothing to be learned without vulnerability.

It’s been 29 years of learning about the differences between men and women, and at times it still leaves me reeling. WE are supposed to co-exist??

I watched a home video at a friend’s place recently.  The cute two-year-old girl was sportin’ her bikini in the kiddie pool trying to get in the face of an equally cute little boy. He wouldn’t look at her. He was enjoying his swim. So, she repositioned herself and got closer. She continued to splash in the water and look to see if the boy noticed her. Awww, some things never change. Yes, girls like attention.

On that note, I don’t make any disclaimers. And since I’ve not yet had the “live-with-a-guy” experience, this will all have to be based on my past and friendly observations.  We may not ever understand the other sex, but we can do things to help and learn along the way that will bode well with both men and women. Since there’s no rulebook, why not share what has and hasn’t worked?

In the movie “P.S. I Love You”, Daniel (Harry Connick Jr.) asks Holly (Hilary Swank) a very personal question. “What does a girl REALLY want?” Holly leans in, “We have no idea!” I’ve personally always disagreed with that comment. Sure we know what we want – EVERYTHING!

And on that note….I lead you into my own thoughts for men and women out there. (Please do comment and email your thoughts, as I’m curious and open to others’ experiences and insights!)

1. Guys, face it. Girls read into everything you say. We read into things you don’t say and imagine you’re at the very least thinking it. By the time we’ve driven our car from one location to another we’ve completely written a scene from a movie that is based on, well, nothing. We’re relationally led. We like to think our guy is thinking about us, as much as we’re thinking about them.  But girls, don’t get carried away.  If you’re wondering something (and have the open relationship to do so)…just ask him. Most guys I’ve met don’t mind the asking and would rather you do that than let your imagination run wild.

2. Girls like to be pursued.  Sought after. The more we like our guy, or ‘a’ guy, the more we’ll want to connect with him. *Insert swoon here* We don’t have a cave or a man box in which we need space to think. You’re it baby! Along with work, family, the cute shoes we just saw and perhaps the baby on our hip. We can handle it. Perhaps a downfall of women is that the guy easily becomes everything, but the multi-tasking, well, we’re created to manage it all. Girls, if he isn’t pursuing, don’t force him to or change who you are. The right guy will see your gold and dig it. (Sorry for the metaphor, couldn’t help it!)

3. Words. Words. Words. !!!! I could just leave it at that. Men will burst (in a good way) when you talk them up in public. We can be their biggest fan or their worst nightmare. Choose words carefully. I’ve seen the sparkle in a guys’ eye and I’ve seen the defeat in his chest. Please, pursue the sparkle.

4.  ‘Just because’ is the best. Guys, it doesn’t have to be complicated or gift-wrapped. Great if it is…but sometimes that lil thing you pick up on a weekend because it made you think of us is the gift we’ll remember the most. What does that mean? All together ladies — that you were THINKING OF US!  And girls, sometimes showing up with his favourite dish or a gift left on his doorstep (even if it’s a chocolate bar!)  will make his day. I dare you, give it a try.

5. Don’t let PMS rule the roost. Just sayin. Joyce Meyer says “Let emotions subside, then decide.” I’ll add to that, I think it’s a good idea not to make final or important decisions late at night when you’re both tired. I don’t know that guys overall ‘get’ the hormone thing (thus having never experienced it), but us ladies know that sometimes we just don’t feel like ourselves. So best not to tread into waters that are murky at that time!

I gave some advice to a friend a while back on dating long distance, but I think maybe it stands true for any circumstance:  “Stay in the Word. Feelings and emotions are fickle, so don’t make decisions or have huge conversations during PMS or ‘when you don’t feel like yourself’ because you know it’ll change. Take care of yourself and be honest with him. Love him deeply, no matter what.”

6. Don’t expect him to do something you yourself aren’t willing to do. One guy friend said to me that it’s unfair to expect your guy to repair, build around the house, and change the oil if you’re not willing to cook a meal or keep the home. Just sayin’. If you expect him to be all manly, then he has the right to expect female “roles” out of you. I know there are compromises, and I think this is an area that needs to be communicated and could be different in every relationship. But if you expect him to be romantic and plan dates, then maybe us ladies could do the same…

7. From what a few guys have shared, and perhaps observation, guys want to open up more than we give them credit for.  They may have the proverbial “box” in which your relationship sits, but it doesn’t mean he never visits it or contemplates the relationship and how great his woman is. He just doesn’t mix it with every other part of his life. I think when I see Jesus someday I’m going to ask for that “box like” thinking — just to see what it feels like! Guys, to their credit, don’t linger on issues like us women tend to. If he hurt your feelings, tell him, then learn to move on.  I say learn, because I know it doesn’t come naturally.

8. Girls, if you don’t want to be treated like a piece of meat, then don’t dress like one. Again, just sayin’! Guys are visual. He’s going to remember how beautiful (or trashy) you looked. First impressions for guys are oft based on looks. After that…well. I need a male counterpart to finish that thought for me!

9.  Guys, it goes a LONG way when you will take the lead on planning dates or events or holidays once in a while. It shows excitement for the relationship and commitment to the future. Us girls have been shown the knight on the horse and the soldier fighting for his girl since we were two years old watching Disney. If you go out of your way to show us that we mean something to you, and will plan something with us, it’s huge. Often it’s not even about WHAT we do, but the fact that you want to be with us.

There it is. Nine observations of this thing we call relationships. Please, send me your feedback. Comment. Disagree. Enlighten me.

There were no pets (male or female) harmed in the writing of this blog. However, food was burned.

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  • John Mueller October 13, 2010 at 10:56 PM

    Okay, here we go:

    1. yes, agreed. BUT, women do have the reputation to be gossips and spread rumors, which originates from assuming things without proof. True prophetical discernment is rare, so unless there’s tangible evidence for something, just “be a man” and ask him what’s up.

    2. While I understand that everyone would love to have attractive people pursue them, those “ugly” people are considered creeps/pervs/stalkers. Thus, only attractive men are allowed to pursue women. Well, not really. But lets say winks at you, that might give you butterflies. But if Carl McCreeper does it, then he’s a perv? Second, for some reason, it’s okay and assumed that mean go after/pursue women. But women feel they are if they go out and ask a guy out or come on to him. I think it’s just the order of nature really.

    3. Going along with the stereotype once again about women gossiping, when they do boast about their guy, the man really does appreciate it. There’s enough negative talk in this world, so why be with someone you have nothing good to say about?

    4. Some guys don’t understand the “just because” gifts, but it’s true. And it goes both ways. Don’t get us something we could go to the store and get. Well, unless you’re going to get us a Ferrari. Go ahead and get one of those.

    5. Women know when it’s PMS time, and those manipulative ones will use that as an excuse to do and say anything they want using it as a scapegoat. Deep down, guys won’t accept this.

    8. Remember what you are advertising. If you are advertising sex, then there’s a good chance the initial parts of the relationship will be based around the physical looks, etc. It sets the tone. And in a way most mature guys will see provocative dress as a cry for attention. And sure we might get it. But then it makes us think… if attention is all she wants, is she still out there looking for more?

    9. this is a tricky one. Yes, men should take the lead in a relationship. It’s biblical (once you’re married). But sometimes this gets confused with being controlling, and I can see how there’s a fine line. It’s not the 1400s where the woman was expected to be quiet and not say anything. There should be equality, but at the same time, someone has to take the lead and make the final decision. But it’s up for the woman to decide if the man she is going to see is going to make decisions she can trust and respect.

    • lanilea October 14, 2010 at 1:07 AM

      Thanks for the feedback! It all is definitely a fine line. And takes two to tango in any situation to make it really work.

  • Rhonalyn Ledingham October 14, 2010 at 6:13 PM

    Lani, so very good, you’re such a little writer, awesome!! I think John made really great comments as well!!

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