Real Life

A blogger’s confession and letters from home

July 25, 2017

I was about to go away to England for three months, and at my going-away party, my sweet sister handed me a bundle of letters. Handwritten (this was 2008 when handwritten was sort of still a thing ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) notes from friends and family, with a date on the front, when I was to open it. For the next three months, I would eagerly anticipate my next letter, what it would say and who it would be from. The night before, I would get it out and put it on my nightstand so I could open it first thing the next morning.

Letters from home were like a breath of fresh air when I was somewhere foreign, scary, exciting, and new.

The other night, I laid my head on Troyโ€™s shoulder and had a good cry. Let it out. I know in part it was pregnancy hormones (can I hear an amen?!) making me more sensitive. But I was also just tired and finally said, โ€œIโ€™m tired of wishing my creative work was someone elseโ€™s. Iโ€™m tired of my skin. And Iโ€™m stressed about selling our house.โ€

You seeโ€ฆ I get caught up in trying to get where I want and what I want, that I forget to enjoy the moment. I shared how this blog had become frustrating and I didnโ€™t know what to do about it. Troy knows me โ€“ I have to create. Itโ€™s in me.

But somewhere along the way, I have lost the meaning of what I want this blog to be. Primarily? An outlet for the inner dialogue in me to escape. Iโ€™ve worried about stats and who actually reads this, to the point that I compare my work to other bloggers, moms, and creatives. You know that quote that says, โ€œComparison is the thief of joyโ€โ€ฆ? Well, yeah, itโ€™s true.

I have a bloggerโ€™s confession to make โ€“ I want to be like everyone elseโ€™s blog. Well, the successful ones. Along the way I have tried to make this more successful, monetize it, and always be โ€œinspiringโ€ โ€“ to the point that I have lost the joy in it. Writing here feels more like a to-do these days than something that fills my tank. It could be part of becoming a mom and finding a new normal, so I know there is grace for this new season I find myself in! ๐Ÿ™‚

Troy responded something like, โ€œMaybe itโ€™ll just be you writing everyday life and someday our kids will read it, like a letter from Mom.โ€

Those words brought me such relief it was astounding. You mean, I donโ€™t have to MAKE this into more than it is? Thank you Husband.

Letters from home. Thatโ€™s all I want this to be.

So, dear readers, will you forgive me? Forgive me for forcing words down your throat in any way โ€“ all in the name of making this blog โ€œsuccessfulโ€. Forgive me for hitting your inbox or smart phone with anything but my heart. I am honoured you are here.

Is it my dream to have a New York Timeโ€™s Bestseller? Yep. Iโ€™d be lying if I said no. Is it my dream to help my family financially, and do it creatively? Yep.

But Iโ€™m tired folks. Tired of being creatively frustrated. Tired of comparing my gifting. Tired of trying to make me into someone that perhaps God hasnโ€™t yet molded. Or perhaps He has all together different plans. Howโ€™s that for honesty? ๐Ÿ˜‰

My dream now for this blog is that it will be like letters from home. Whether it sounds like Grandma talking, mamma spouting, or your sister yacking lovingly โ€“ I hope that you anticipate the next one like a breath of fresh air. I love everything that โ€œhomeโ€ is, and Iโ€™d be honoured to share ours with you.

Hereโ€™s to a new pen, new paper, and unopened sweet new letters.

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  • Trina July 25, 2017 at 6:43 AM

    My dear sweet friend
    Make your life what you are driven towards with no appologies. Go full tilt know that God is at your side every step of the way. You have been trained for this, imparted into and lived through so much. Lani its your time to soar with no inhibitions!
    I eagerly await your next blog. Your transparency and faith make your blog so inspiring! Thank you for sharing the things that all of us wished we had the guts to say! Get out there live life, savoring every moment!

    • Lani July 25, 2017 at 7:20 AM

      Thank you so much for the encouragement friend! xo

  • Mickey July 25, 2017 at 7:55 AM

    Lani I have you on Feedly and look forward every morning to reading your kind and gentle words.

    • Lani July 25, 2017 at 1:25 PM

      Aw thank you very much Mickey, that’s sweet!

  • Hue Le July 25, 2017 at 4:55 PM

    I love the narrative story telling in your posts. Very authentic and natural, and above all, they let me see you as person. Best of luck for your next journey in England, and I’ll be reading your letters…

    • Lani July 26, 2017 at 12:47 PM

      Appreciate that!

  • meaghansych July 25, 2017 at 7:49 PM

    I know the feeling lovey, there’s such a tension between needing to make money and needing to create, and trying to save time, and trying to look good, be happy, be a good mom etc etc. I’m struggling along side you:D But you’re such a great writer, I love reading these posts! Deep breaths (even if they have a bit of a hiccup to them from crying) and I love the idea of letters from home <3 good song too;)

    • Lani July 26, 2017 at 12:47 PM

      Thank you for the encouragement, Meaghan!

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